I will be dressing up as "concerned 30 year old"

My mental decline seems to be continuing. Today at work I thought I lost my purse. I went around the whole office asking if anyone had seen it. I then had half the office helping me look for it. I decided to give my desk one more look over and started pulling open all my drawers. Well guess what. I put it in a drawer and forgot about it. I never put my purse in the drawer but today I did and rather than take the time to look around my desk and open a drawer I panicked. I'm pretty good at panicking especially when it comes to my purse, wallet or phone. Oh and my cat.

Tomorrow is Friday and Halloween. I will be dressing up as the concerned 30 year old who does not want drunk college students destroying her car. Should be a fun costume.

It's happening. The quarter life crisis.

As of right now my life is going pretty good. I have a great boyfriend, amazing friends, a loving family and a decent job but despite all of that I think I'm having a quarter life crisis. I've been wondering what the heck I'm doing. Do I want to be a legal assistant the rest of my life? I like my job but I think part of that is because I'm comfortable there. Should I stay because I'm comfortable? I think the answer I think is no. I want more. I want to make a name for myself. I want to DO something.

When I was younger I thought I would be married with multiple kids by the time I was 30. Life doesn't work out exactly the way you planned it when you were 10 (thank God). I honestly don't know when or if I'll have kids. Certainly not now when I'm wondering if I'm on the right career path. There's also the whole enjoying my social life and not feeling financially secure enough to have a child. I can barely cover my cat's medical expenses and still have debt I'm trying to pay off. I know it's not the right time.

I met up with my cousin for dinner and drinks last night and she mentioned that she's questioning if her job is the right job for her and what she should do. Go back to hair dressing? Nursing school? (She works at a hospital now but not as a nurse). I told her I felt the same way. I don't see law school in my future. I'm too much of a sensitive person, at least to practice family law. I have this feeling that there's something else I should be doing.

I'm always one to trust my gut. If only my gut could send a detailed message to my brain with the specifics.

I know I'm not alone though. I feel like quite a few people in my life are experiencing the same feelings and it's helpful to just talk about it. Despite not knowing what I should do I believe at some point it will become clear. Life takes twists and turns that we don't necessarily expect and that keeps things interesting for sure. I'm still learning what will make me happy and how to make that happen and if I work towards that I have faith that it will all work out in the end

And hey if you're feeling this way too, it's ok. We're in this together. We'll figure it out.

It's time to make a start

To get to know your heart

Time to show your face, time to take your place

In every speck of dust

In every universe,

When you feel most alone, you will not be alone

I got a good one

Derek was talking about his new ipod and what features it had when he mentioned that he had a picture of me on his ipod. I asked to see which one and he showed me. It's a photo I took of myself from my friend's 30th birthday last weekend.

It dawned on me that most of the men I dated in the past would never do something like that. Keeping a photo of me around is something so simple but it really put a smile on my face. I don't need grand gestures or expensive gifts, I just need to know that he cares. I'm lucky though because Derek is also a very thoughtful gift giver.

I wish I realized I deserved better when I was in my early 20s. I dated guys that did the bare minimum to keep our so called relationship together. I often felt like I was the only one putting effort into the relationship. I was smart enough to not stay in these relationships but some of these guys I should never have dated in the first place. 

That's what your 20s are all about though, you make mistakes and learn and tell your 30 year old self to not judge to harshly.

On learning to not worry about your weight

I recently realized that I don't worry about my weight anymore, or at least not in the same way I did in my 20s.

I used to think I was fat pretty much all the time. Looking back on photos from that time I realize that I was crazy to think that. I wasn’t fat, my self-esteem is just a big giant jerk.

I do weigh more than I did in my early 20s but I no longer think I’m fat. I’ve lost 10lbs since December and it’s all been through exercise. Trust me I was shocked because it was a loooong and cold winter. My motivation to start exercising again was my high cholesterol. I don’t think I look very different after losing 10lbs but I feel better about myself for exercising more.

I am trying to eat healthier but that’s harder for me than exercising. I love food. I mean I really LOVE food.

Look how happy I was to find Peanut lovers Chex Mix in St. Thomas.

I can't find it in Massachusetts. I need to order a crate full online.

My other weakness is french fries. I did make it a full 30 days without potato products one time and it was the longest 30 days of my life. I do try to limit my french fry consumption but if I completely avoid french fries I am a miserable human. I would not shut up about french fries

I’m not saying that I just don’t care and I’m going to go hog wild and end up on My 600lb Life. What I’m saying is that I’ve finally learned to accept my body and focus on staying active and attempting to eat healthier and not on those “last” 10lbs. Avoiding a food I love completely is a recipe for disaster and exercising makes me feel good.

Who has time to worry about their weight all the time? I don't. I have things to do and Chex Mix to eat.