Wednesday, July 2, 2014

If I could turn back time I'd kick you in the balls

When I was 21 I went to the best and worst house party of my young adult life. It was my friend Chris’ birthday and we were going to Allston to celebrate in someone’s shitty apartment. I found a spot on a sagging couch and listened to reggae while people smoked hookah. Everyone was nice and we were having a good time. At some point my friend Chris got hungry so we wandered outside and found a crappy BBQ place to grab some food. We made friends with some other late night diners and then headed back up to the party.

I followed Chris into someone’s bedroom when we got back and there were a few people doing coke so I left the room. I’ve never been into drugs and didn’t want to be around it. Chris was not doing any drugs either and asked if I wanted to go. I told him I would be fine I just didn’t want to hang out in that room. I started walking back to the living room when I feel someone grab my arm. There’s a guy I don’t recognize standing in the bathroom doorway.

“Hey, what’s your name?” I can tell he’s wasted.


“Wanna give me a blow job?”


“Oh come on it won’t take long.”

“No, I’m not giving you a blow job!”

“Oh come on!”

At this point he starts trying to pull me into the bathroom. I keep telling him no but he’s drunk and doesn’t care. I see a girl walk by and ask her to help me. She pulls me away and yells at the guy.

“Hey! Who are you?”

He doesn’t answer her. She asks him again.

“Who do you know here?” 

“Oh a friend invited me.”

He’s still standing in the bathroom door.

“Which friend?”

“You don’t know him.”

Turning to me the girl says “I’m going to find my friend who lives here.”

I follow the girl into the bedroom I had left and she tells her friend that there’s some guy being a creep and she doesn’t know who he is. The guy gets up and we all follow him to the bathroom where the drunk guy is still standing.

“Who do you know here?”

“Um we came up the fire escape.”

“Get the fuck out before I call the cops.”

Obviously he wasn’t going to call the cops but drunk guy takes the threat seriously. He rounds up his two other friends who also crashed the party and they leave. Chris is stranding in the hall with us and asks me what happened. When I tell him he feels horrible.

“I’m so sorry if I had known I wouldn’t have left you alone.”

“It’s ok, you don’t have to babysit me. It’s not your fault.”

If I could turn back time I would have kicked that guy right in the balls. He probably doesn’t remember this incident but he most definitely would have if I kicked him in the balls.

We stayed at the party until the sun came up and it wasn’t a party anymore. The few people that were left had just lost track of time while talking. I drove Chris home around 6 in the morning. He turned to me before he got out of my car and said, “I hope you had a good time despite what happened”. I told him I did and I meant it.


  1. Funniest title ever! Now I'm going to read the post.

  2. OK, good story but not really funny...except maybe years later.
    I do wish you could turn back time however. Some people need a good swift kick to the balls!

    1. It was the first thing that came to my mind ha ha. I hope some girl gave him a swift kick to the balls. Luckily I had good people around me at that party to help out.