This morning I was reminded of a suitor from many years ago. He was at the most white trash wedding of all time. That is not an exaggeration. They had sparkling grape juice that still had the 99 cent sticker from the dollar store and the wedding was in the basement of the church (not in the actual church part of the church). There were signs on the wall for an “Italian night” at the church. The bride wore a dress that hadn’t been altered and she kept getting stuck with the pins. They walked down the isle to Metallica. The mother of the groom chastised me for bringing a gift and not money when the invitation specifically said to bring money only. I was told by the brides mother not to eat the food because it was donated for a church picnic and the needy.
After the classy ceremony it was time to party with the 99 cent grape sparkling grape juice. There wasn’t even booze to make this wedding somewhat tolerable.
While I’m sitting there very sadly sober, a guy walks over to me in a white tank top and sweatpants. He starts trying to woo me. Here are some of his pickup lines that were supposed to make me swoon and my responses.
Him: “So I just got out of jail so I’m ready to party.”
Me: ‘Well thank God we have sparkling grape juice!”
Him: “Yea both the bloods and the crips wanted me in their gangs and I told both of them naw. I could have been in either gang.”
Me: “You know you could have worn half the bloods colors and half the crips colors and been in both gangs. That totally worked on Roundhouse.”
Him: “Did you know you could cure aids if you drink dish soap? You totally can, some guy told me.”
Me: “So are you trying to tell me you did have aids but now you cured it?”
This comment lead to him really trying to convince me that you could cure aids but he claimed he never had HIV or aids he just knows someone that it worked on. He also started making racists comments about black people (he was white) and followed that up with asking me out.
Take a guess as to my response. Hell to the NO. I still remember this vividly because it was so insane!
And if you’re wondering why I was at this wedding, it was a neighbor of mine growing up and I was friends with the family. I had no idea what I was in for.
Also, I learned that sometimes people can interpret your sarcastic remarks as interest. I’m not interested in you, you’re just so ridiculous I can’t control the sarcasm.