Holes in clothes, cat condos and I hope you enjoyed my bra

I got into work today and realized I was wearing my blue shirt that has a giant hole in the elbow. I thought I felt a little breeze. I remember when I first noticed the hole I told myself I should throw out the shirt, but I didn't. I washed it and put it away thinking I would use it for pajamas. Instead I grabbed it this morning and wore it to work. I tired to hide it but one of my coworkers pointed it out so I knew I had to take care of this pronto. Lucky for me my office building is attached to a mall, so I went downstairs and bought a plain black shirt at the Gap that was half off. Only $9.99. It has a little bit higher of a neckline than I usually like but it's not bad.

I dealt with a very nice potential client at work today. He said, and I quote "wow, if I could rate you on a survey, well I would give you an A++. You're just wonderful to deal with! You can always tell if a business is good by the first person you talk to." Well then let me just brush my shoulders off here, my work is done. 

Besides the very exciting hole in shirt story and talking about how great I am at work, I got a new cat condo for Bosco. He is pleased. He better not get bored with it after a month. I spent good money on this thing. It's "three floors".

Pay no attention to the mess in the background, even though I'm about to mention it. In a previous post I mentioned that we're getting new intercoms and buzzers in our units. The company said they would leave a note on the door when they would be in the unit. Well it seems like they notified every other unit but ours. The neighboring unit got a note with a date while we just got an unlocked door and a new intercom installed. What the eff people? I would have moved my bra from the bathroom into the bedroom if I knew you'd be coming in. The bathroom is right across from the front door so I hope you got a good view of that!

A not so fond memory of the worst sober wedding of all time

This morning I was reminded of a suitor from many years ago. He was at the most white trash wedding of all time. That is not an exaggeration. They had sparkling grape juice that still had the 99 cent sticker from the dollar store and the wedding was in the basement of the church (not in the actual church part of the church). There were signs on the wall for an “Italian night” at the church. The bride wore a dress that hadn’t been altered and she kept getting stuck with the pins. They walked down the isle to Metallica. The mother of the groom chastised me for bringing a gift and not money when the invitation specifically said to bring money only. I was told by the brides mother not to eat the food because it was donated for a church picnic and the needy.

After the classy ceremony it was time to party with the 99 cent grape sparkling grape juice. There wasn’t even booze to make this wedding somewhat tolerable.

While I’m sitting there very sadly sober, a guy walks over to me in a white tank top and sweatpants. He starts trying to woo me. Here are some of his pickup lines that were supposed to make me swoon and my responses.

Him: “So I just got out of jail so I’m ready to party.”

Me: ‘Well thank God we have sparkling grape juice!”

Him: “Yea both the bloods and the crips wanted me in their gangs and I told both of them naw. I could have been in either gang.”

Me: “You know you could have worn half the bloods colors and half the crips colors and been in both gangs. That totally worked on Roundhouse.”

Him: “Did you know you could cure aids if you drink dish soap? You totally can, some guy told me.”

Me: “So are you trying to tell me you did have aids but now you cured it?”

This comment lead to him really trying to convince me that you could cure aids but he claimed he never had HIV or aids he just knows someone that it worked on. He also started making racists comments about black people (he was white) and followed that up with asking me out.

Take a guess as to my response. Hell to the NO. I still remember this vividly because it was so insane!

And if you’re wondering why I was at this wedding, it was a neighbor of mine growing up and I was friends with the family. I had no idea what I was in for.

Also, I learned that sometimes people can interpret your sarcastic remarks as interest. I’m not interested in you, you’re just so ridiculous I can’t control the sarcasm.

I hope the snake wins #teamsnake

Some moronic "wildlife expert" is going to wear a "snake-proof" suit and then let an anaconda eat him for a Discovery Channel special. After he's been eaten they're somehow going to pull him out. Will this damage the snake? They don't care. I would be pretty pissed if I ate a delicious meal and someone pulled it right out of me. Is this what reality tv has sunk too? I hope the snake survives the stunt. It's pathetic that this is happening all for a tv special.

Paul tweeted out this confusing tweet.

If u know me - I would never hurt a living thing. But you'll have to watch #EatenAlive to find out how it goes down! http://t.co/QvxZO2dS3V
— Paul Rosolie (@PaulRosolie) November 5, 2014

So we have to wait and see if you do hurt a living thing? Am I misreading his tweet, because that's my interpretation.

I hope the snake wins. I'm totally #teamsnake

I don't need "Wang" on my sports bra

Apparently people are freaking out over Alexander Wang's new collection at H&M. I'm talking massive lines and bracelets to get into the store. Maybe I don't get fashun but I have no desire to wear a sports bra and hat that says "WANG" on it. I also don't wear a hat when I work out. 

So enjoy your WANG gear everyone!

HD Vision Night Vision miracle working glasses

I was out getting my drank on last night when this infomercial came on the tv in the bar. Obviously I made Derek watch too because I needed someone else to see this awesomeness.

I don't wear glasses so I have some very important questions. Are you guys all driving around not being able to see anything at all? I mean the people in this infomercial are all like "I was so scared to drive at night because I couldn't see anything and now with these very fashionable glasses I have x-ray vision!" or something like that. The before and after view is kind of scary. That's not glare, that's you need a stronger prescription for your glasses. No worries though, these HD Vision Night Vision Wraparound glasses will solve your vision problems and give you your life back.

I will say meemaw looks so happy to have her vision back. It brought a little tear to my eye.

Left Alone With a Sex Offender, a Teacher Is Raped and sadly this is not an Onion headline

Sometimes I wonder if we're actually living in that movie Idiocracy.

I was reading this article about a teacher in an Arizona prison who was raped by a sex offender after administering a high school equivalency test. There were no guards near by, just a radio for her to summon for help. Oh and that radio was set to the wrong channel.

One would think state prison officials would say that they will do everything they can to increase security. Well you would be wrong. This is what the prison officials had to say about the incident.

"State prison officials, however, dismiss the concerns. They say the assault at the prison about 60 miles southeast of Phoenix is a risk that comes with the job of overseeing violent prison inmates."

No big deal guys she knew what she was getting into. Are you kidding me? Yes there is a risk but I would at least expect basic security measures to help keep a civilian worker safe.

"Department of Corrections spokesman Doug Nick said classrooms at prisons across the state are having cameras installed. But he said no administrative investigation was launched because there was no need, and no one was disciplined. He said all prisons are dangerous places and staff are trained accordingly."

No administrative investigation after a woman was raped? If you had one guard there this never would have happened. Why would the classroom not have cameras? You're in a prison! Shouldn't you have cameras everywhere the inmates are?

Someone please restore my faith in humanity.

Massachusetts liquor license laws make no sense

I don't know about other states but Massachusetts liquor license laws make no sense.

I went out with some co-workers and floor mates last night to the Salty Pig. Apparently you need a reservation to sit anywhere in the place but they allowed us to sit at a table until a party arrived at 6:30. We vacate that table at 6:30 and decide to go sit outside on the little patio area. The second we sit down someone comes over to tell us that we have to order food if we are drinking outside.

Um what? This is a new one. We could drink with no food inside but once we go outside we have to order food to drink? We asked if we could sit for two minutes to finish our drinks and were told no. We must have had this look on our faces because she quickly said "it's just the law, sorry." We had a plan though. We would look at the menu and then bail once we finished our drinks.

Two minutes later the hostess comes over (a different woman) and tells us that we couldn't sit outside and drink without food. We told her we were waiting for menus. She was a bit snippy with us but went off to get menus since the other woman hadn't returned yet.

I've encountered places that serve beer but you have to order food with it. I've also encountered places that only have a beer and wine license. Bottle service and happy hour are things of the past in Massachusetts. This is the first time though that the rules change when you're in the same restaurant.

We think the reason is that the patio area is in pedestrian walkway owned by the city. They must have made some type of deal to set up the patio in the summer and this was the result. Can businesses just start putting up signs letting us know what they can and can't serve and if you have to order food and if the rules change because you stepped onto a patio?

I won't even get into the racket that is selling liquor licenses. People sell them for insane amounts of money because the city severely limits the amount of licenses available. Someone who buys a restaurant might not open when it's ready because they are waiting on a liquor license. I've heard that they might be lifting the cap on the number of liquor licenses which I think is needed. Ok I guess I did get into it...

In case you're wondering we did carefully look at our menus and then bailed once we finished our drinks. (Don't worry the drinks were already paid for). I felt kind of bad because I am a goody two-shoes. I got over it very quickly though. I'm a rebel

I don't need your "for her" prdocuts I need products that work

Jezebel has an article about how women's razors are a total racket and they absolutely are. The article got me thinking about products marketed towards women and how they stand up to the men's version.

First of all I don't need a pink razor with sparkles. I need a razor that works and the fact is that men's razors work better. Don't our legs deserve a close shave? Do I need to smell like a vanilla ocean breeze after shaving? No one is sniffing my legs (that I'm aware of).

Let's move onto deodorant. Men's deodorant works better than women's. Are our armpits too delicate for stronger deodorant? I don't normally wear men's deodorant because I can't be distracting myself smelling like a sexy dude. It does works better though.

Bic decided that women needed their own pens.

Thank God because I was sick and tired of those manly pens that my delicate lady fingers could barely hold. If only the ink was in glitter I'd be truly happy with my lady pen.

Now since I haven't tried a "for her" pen I can't say if they are better or worse than old fashioned manly pens.

All I want is a basic product that works and doesn't smell like a Yankee Candle store explosion. Is that too much to ask? If you're going to make a "pretty" pink razor then at least make sure it works as well as the men's version.

Well that's the last time I try to be helpful

I bought Derek a new pillow for Christmas off of Amazon. I reviewed the pillow on Amazon and when you review a product on Amazon if someone has a question Amazon will email you and ask if you can answer the question. So I got an email from Amazon with a question someone had about the pillow.

"has anyone seen the foam of the pillow? Is it yellow? the contour one"

I decided I would be helpful and answer despite the description of the pillow saying it is a memory foam pillow, it does not say it is a contour pillow.

I responded with:

"It's a memory foam pillow but there are other pillows that actually say "contour" in the description so I would look at those."

His response back:

"well yeah its a memory foam pillow but the foam is it yellow? cud u unzip it and check pls"

I'm not going to respond. I draw the line at unzipping my pillows to see what color the foam is. Does it matter what color it is? That some how will tell you if it's a "contour" pillow? Just buy one that says contour in the description!

I am no longer going to be helpful. You're on your own for pillow shopping.

@SaraSwearsALot and I discuss dinosaur erotica

I sent Sara a link to this literary masterpiece and this is the conversation that followed.

If you don't want to click on that link the name of the book is Taken by the Pterodactyl. I think you get the idea.

Ginny: I want to send you a link but I don't think you should look at it at work ha ha

Sara: LOL I can look on my phone!

Ginny: ok hold in. It's a book on amazon. *sends link*

Sara: AHAHAHAHAHA
I WANT TO READ AN EXCERPT.
"This is not your mother's erotica" LOLOL

Ginny: I know right?!
and do they live happily every after?
and there's a T-Rex one
he has such tiny arms how does that really work

Sara: OMG I WAS JUST TYPING THAT.

Ginny: ha ha

Sara: I'm glad we're on the same page about dinosaur porn.

Ginny: me too, that's important

Sara: True friendship!!

Ginny: and I feel like the raptors would be like a threesome because they always travel in packs at least according to Jurassic Park

Sara: HAHA. They probably like to go to those key parties to swap partners!

Ginny: oh totally and they can open doors
so they should know how to use a key

Sara: LOL

Ginny: now why are there no non-meating dino porn stories?

Sara: Maybe dino porn with a dinosaur who doesn't have sharp teeth??

Ginny: I want to see the gentle giant Brontosaurus
he would take his time and then marry her

Sara: HE WOULD BE SO ROMANTIC.
He could put the ring around his neck!

Ginny: HA HA OMG
He is a taken dinosaur!
they can eat romantic salad dinners

Sara: AWWW.
He can reach the tallest leaves for her salad!

Ginny: so sweet! I should contact the writer with this request

Sara: "We have the sex, but can we get some ROMANCE up in here??"

Ginny: maybe even a love triangle? Who will she chose? T-Rex or the Brontosaurus

Sara: OMG YES.
YOU SHOULD WRITE THAT LOL.

Ginny: I mean it seems there is just so much to write about in this genre

Sara: And nobody ever told us!
We could team up and be millionaires!

Ginny: 50 Shades of T-Rex!

Just sent this to my friend Melissa. I will let you know her reaction.

I'm still trying to figure out my reaction. I just don't know.

Back home

I'm going to miss this little guy.

He's getting so big. He's already potty training and driving.

My trip home went smoothly. No delays on either flight! I did see a woman trying to get though airport security with a ziplock bag filled with ribs and BBQ sauce. It was leaking all over the TSA agent. She was not happy that she had to throw it out. Luckily that was the only drama I witnessed at the airport.

It feels good to be home. I missed you Boston.

This is the misspelled dress code

I may be white but even I know do-rag is not spelled durag. Good one Whiskeys.

'Merica

Weird tribal decals CHECK

Eagle in flight with American flag CHECK

Flames CHECK

Random cross CHECK

Um...truck balls? CHECK

I bet it shoots fireworks out of the tail pipe.

Required field must not be blank

Apparently blogger has suddenly decided that you have to have a title on your blog post or you can't publish the post.

Not a fan of this blogger.

Enjoy your time BUT NOT FOR TOO LONG

Enjoy your time at our restaurant (BUT ONLY FOR 1.5 HOURS THEN YOU'RE DONE). And please eat all your food or WE CHARGE YOU DOUBLE.

I just want to eat some Sushi, I don't need all these rules in tiny print.

One of us is winning at life.

Jay Z has a 5 million dollar watch.

I have a sore throat and leftover pizza.

One of us is winning at life. I'll let you decide.

I've been drinking lots of tea with honey and when I'm sick of tea I just squeeze the honey right into my mouth. I can't be bothered with spoons right now.

This is not offensive.

This is just ridiculous. If you don't want to click over, the RMV in Braintree took down their Christmas decorations after one person complained that it was "offensive" to only have decorations up for one holiday.

You might think it was a manger or something else that has religious meaning but no, it was a tree and some Santa decorations hanging on a wall. As someone who actually went to CCD I can tell you that nowhere in the bible does it say "and then Jesus was born and they decorated a pine tree with lights and angels. Then Santa came and left Jesus a wooden toy hand craft by tiny elves."

I don't consider Christmas trees or Santa religious. In fact I know a few people who are Jewish and put up a tree and decorate it because it's fun. Santa and trees have nothing to do with Jesus. And if I walked into the RMV and saw a Menorah. I wouldn't care. You know why? Because it doesn't change my life. It's not forcing someone else's beliefs on me. So get over yourself and focus that negativity towards something that actually deserves it.