As a birthday treat the MBTA gifted me another miserable commute. Apparently the trains just "can't even" with this winter crap (I'm still young and hip and know the lingo you guys). It's times like these that I wish I lived in the South. I have to remind myself that the cold weather will pass and I'm not built to handle living in the south.
So here are my reasons why I won't move from this liberal frozen hell hole.
1. I would get fat. I'm already trying to lose 10-15 pounds so my esophagus doesn't erode away. Do you know how many cherry limeades I had from Sonic when I was in Texas? Enough to give diabetes to three people. There's also gravy and butter on everything. "Would you like a dab of cheddar mashed potato with your gallon of gravy?" "Why yes thank you. You can just pour that right into my mouth." Gravy is a breakfast food in the South. I mean biscuits and gravy is delicious but a heart attack first thing in the morning is very inconvenient. After consuming all this gravy I can't even walk it off because I'd have to walk in the street. Where are the sidewalks?
2. Chain restaurants. Listen I love me some unlimited salad and breadsticks at the Olive Garden once in a while but sometimes you just want something different, something that doesn't have five locations in one square mile. I'm sorry but a girl can't live off cheddar biscuits from Red Lobster.
3. I don't trust your plants. I'm sorry but is this Jumanji? I don't like plants that look like they could eat my face. And don't even get me started about snakes falling out of trees.
|plant death trap|
4. Politics. I don't think I need to elaborate too much. I'm not a conservative.
5. Religion. I'm not religious and if you are that's ok. As my co-worker Lilly says "you do you and I'll do me". Around here no one asks me if I go to church and I don't ask them. In the south everyone will ask you if you go to church. Like a true heathen I often lie and say "sometimes": they don't have to know that my sometimes means when I attend a funeral or a wedding.
6. I'm in my 30s, unmarried and have no kids. If you are childless and unmarried at my age people in the south will look at you like you're one of those poor dogs in that Sarah Mclachlan commercial. I actually had someone say they would pray for me. Please don't pray for me to get pregnant. You can pray for my soul but leave my uterus out of it.
The Northeast isn't perfect by any means. Massachusetts refuses to let us have happy hour. That's just not even right! I should have the freedom to get drunk cheaply at certain hours if I want to. People can be real assholes here too. You could fall down a set of stairs and everyone would act like nothing happened. In the south you'd have everyone within a mile radius asking if you're ok. So I guess what I'm saying is winter sucks but I really love Thai food and not having to talk about babies all the time.